Times I’ve texted “lol” while not laughing: 78%

Time I spend on Rightmove judging £millions houses per week: 3

How often I tell myself I need to sleep early tonight: 5 times per hour (while at work)

Success rate of being on time: 67%

Number of people who say I'm funny online but unapproachable irl: a lot (it's just my face)